Fuck love.

I hate being in love.
I hate the feeling of being lost in someone - exposed in all aspects of yourself, that is, especially your persona. I don't like how venerable I am at that moment. And being chained hopelessly to you.I don't adore it.

I'm scared, really. Scared that after you've become open to the intricacies of my character, that you'll hate me as much as I do - if not more. And I lull over the idea of us anchoring each other.
I don't adore it.

I'm confused by how love is blind.
If love is blind and all is a void in its fill, then how can you be with me still...?
Like the dove or daffodils...?I don't adore it.

How Could You?

I have a problem - I know.
I am not sane - I know.
I know this. And I can see that you know it too.

But for some reason, you think you know me so well that you have the right to be my God!
And that you have the right to mutilate me further, when you can see I already do an excellent job of that on my own!
Then how could you...? When you knew how much I despise myself!

To feed me won't fix me. It would just give me another reason to die.
To say at me, when I eat to reassure you, "I bet you're gonna go puke that out later, huh? Haha!"
And to post THIS - this scalding blow - to the faces of many injured like me!

this diet is amazing! if u follow this diet u will seriously lose LOADS of weight. i lost about a stone on this diet. here it is.

breakfast- 6 pancakes with double cream and chocolate chips (speeds up metabolism) plus 3 slices of toast with chocolate spread

lunch- family size bucket of KFC, four packets of fries and coleslaw and a bottle of pepsi (not diet pepsi it will make you fat)

snack- family size bar of dairy milk

dinner- 3 quarter pounders with cheese and large fries and coca cola (not diet coke thts bad)

seriously if you follow this diet you will lose nuts loads of weight

Then something is wrong with you as well.


I am eroding down to nearly 95 pounds. So my mother called me chubby today.

Dreams

It all just became worse. Not to mention how angry I always am latey. It's like I'm dreaming. That is... all my dreams have been bad anyway, even when I was small. I can't recall ever having a pleasant dream, they were always nightmares where everyone tried to kill me, shun me... things like that.

What's your sweet dream like? Does it have riches? Glory? Are you proud of something that happened? My best dreams out of the nightmares are of when I'm dead. There's always a psychopath who hunts me down in my dreams, with random weapons. He mutilates me and I can feel the actual pain! It's then that I die, but I'm still awake. From there I'm just a third-person watching my dream but never taking part in it.

Thinking: myself & goals

Have you ever noticed time? You can't taste it, or see it, but you can feel it. And it scares me how time can slip past you so easily and disapear forever.

I can remember planning things out:
"I wanna be _______ by next _______."
"I'll be able to _______ when it's _________."
That was in Febuary. But it's nearly May now and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. One day I will lock myself indoors and work on myself until I am perfect. Then again, I never get anything right anyway. "You're so smart!" they say. But no, they're just naive. I only point out things that are obvious - that doesn't make me clever. Unlike all those shitty liars, clouding me, distracting me. And when I would try to please them I felt as if I lost everything. I'm so weak.

Why? Because I'm bored. Because I can. WELL THAT'S JUST FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC, BITCH! How weak can you get? Can I get! I need disipline. I need control. I need to earn everything and be better. BE PERFECT.
I have so much while others have so little. And I waste it. I waste it all in a way that only a selfish glutton would.

"Everything I did got me nothing." NO! That's because my "everything" WAS NOTHING.
I am nothing. I am undeserving. I am wreched.